#consentis

I remember it well. Freshers, University, the freedom and the uncaged hormonal spree that is the start of university.

You’re a boss on campus and walking into a club, alcohol is as endless as your student loan. Which if you were like me was the most amount of money I had ever had in my bank. I think Macklemore and Ryan Lewis said it best –

“Walk up to the club like, What up? I got a big c*ck”

Regardless of the irrelevance of having a big c*ck that boys will learn during this all important time in their lives where they perhaps become men, this feeling is immense.

I was a good drinker. Not just good at drinking a lot of alcohol but I could mix and come off fine, down drinks insanely quick, prefered Tequila to beer and knew more about how to make cocktails than most university bar staff thanks to a stint as a TGI Friday’s bartender. This meant I spent a lot of time witnessing my drunken friends be idiots.

University was the time of my life. I was popular, had a lot of friends, chilled out with some of the prettiest girls on campus, captained the hockey team and never had much of an issue with girls.

As a DJ at university, I got to stand on a perch and facilitate the gyrating, grinding and dirty dancing that came with some of the R&B and Hip-hop I used to play. Has anyone seen a dancefloor when Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake comes on?

The sad part about this role at university was what I saw play out on a dancefloor.

People very drunk, people not so drunk, people on drugs, people falling over, people barely able to stand. In amongst the happy faces, the couples dancing together in sync, the people making out in between excited suggestive stares at each other and the roaming hands guided by other roaming hands, there was enough grinding with closed eyes and sunken heads, hands not moving despite being pulled at and worst of all for my stomach, people making out after throwing up.

It got so bad I used to have a bouncer at the end of a walkie-talkie to remove people if I noticed.

All boys have a weakness

The fact is, boys have one overarching weakness and it’s not a short skirt.

It’s short sightedness.

Proven by the neverending search for the holy grail of one-liners.

For whatever reason, boys think they have a short window of time to “get the job done” and this becomes an ultimate focus on a night. While they may blame other guys, peer pressure and even the audacity to blame the girl, the fact is that all boys have a short term view.

It’s that night, with that girl and that is that. They almost have the story they are going to tell their friends already written in their heads.

Have you ever noticed a guy that fails with one girl, turn to another in the blink of an eye?

In the words of Biggie Smalls – “If that girl start actin’ up then I’m gonna take her friend”

What makes boys into men is the long game. Any man that says otherwise is still a boy.

Why do you think guys that work in the city and treat women like a change of shirt are called City Boys?

#ConsentIs

Open letter to all budding Men

When you like a girl, and being purely physically attracted to her is fine, then why have your memory of “closing” as sloppy mess. Her head falling in your lap in the taxi on the way home isn’t hot, it’s a girl falling asleep because you’re too damn boring and need alcohol to be interesting.

Where’s the mental stimulation? What have you closed? What is the story?

Got a girl drunk, took her home, did the walk of shame. Girl doesn’t look at you for the next 3 years?

What’s worse, you can’t look at the girl for the next 3 years for the burning shame?

There are only 2 people that remember this story. You and her. She might not even remember all of it, maybe the beginning, a bit of the middle and the epilogue. So really it’s just you. Then your achievement becomes as interesting as the lecture you walk to the next day.

Who are you doing it for?

Have you ever had drunk sex? I have, it’s boring. Drunk sex with consent is still drunk sex. You’re putting all your energy into staying “interested” and I guarantee you – she will fall asleep. Because, all anyone that is drunk wants to do is fall asleep. And maybe eat kebab. So you’re not doing it for her, you may as well not be doing it for you because a fairly integral part of you also wants to go to sleep so that leaves your mates? Do you need approval that bad?

When you wake up the next day having not taken advantage of a girl, the likelihood is she still likes you, she’ll like you even more that you respected her and when you turn up late to lectures because you both decided to “catch-up” after last night, your mates will be put to shame. And if you don’t, you don’t. Atleast you have a connection that can now only be built on because you haven’t burnt the possibility of it to sh*t.

#ConsentIs : Something she’ll tell her friends about

So what is the long game? If you fancy yourself a man, a lady’s man, a player, a baller?

Make your moves something to talk about. Girls talk (lesson 1 in understanding girls). Do you think they are going to talk about you taking her home drunk and not remembering anything, NO. They probably feel like they’ve been raped.

Are they going to talk about the way you danced, talked to her, made her laugh on the way home, lit candles and tore off her underwear just how she wanted – YES, yes they are. Are they going to talk about how you got the into bed and slept on the sofa, YES, yes they are and the next time you’re both out she’ll trust you, her friend will trust you. (lesson 2 in understanding girls)

What’s the effect – all of her mates are now interested. What does this mean for you. You have girls interested in you!

If you are taking a girl home and it’s not in a way that she would gossip to her girlfriends about. Then Stop and try again another day.

Never under-estimate the power of a girl’s respect. Give them a story to tell. Let them be excited to know you. 

Making a girl feel safe, is more than any bottle can and will ever do for you.

I volunteered to write this post for Peterborough Rape Crisis Care Group  (www.peterboroughrapecrisis.co.uk) & Rape Crisis England & Wales (rapecrisis.org.uk)  #ConsentIs